Time to rethink things

I started off my year with a loss. Though to some it may not seem like a huge one, it devastated me.

Though losses like these are a part of life, it hurts even more when you know it was your own doing that caused it. Mistakes made again and again, taking for granted that you would always have what you want.

This year is the year to change. I may not be perfect, but I would like to think I was a pretty good person back then. I strived to be virtuous in every way that I can, but somehow instead of fighting to be better I let myself slide over these recent years.

2009 will be a year of reawakening. I hope things have opened my eyes sufficiently that I don't lose the message of my mistakes of 2008. My eyes are set on my goal but yes, old habits die hard. I can only hope and pray, and try and set constant reminders for myself. With every event that occurs this year, hopefully it will be an indication of self improvement.

I want to be a good person, the best person I can be.

How does it go?

How is life supposed to go?

People say, move through life with no regrets, but learn from every mistake you make.

A part of me thinks, " yeah that sounds right". My dad always tells me, make your decision, don't regret regret, regret no use.

An even bigger part of me regrets everything, a regret that is swallowing me whole and I'm dwelling in a pit of despair.

Mistakes so big I can't believe I was blind to them. Looking back now it's easy to think " you fool, how obvious was that, SO FUCKING OBVIOUS you were throwing everything away".

It's hard to recreate the feelings of that moment in time. The same way if you suffer great pain (emotional, broke your leg, gave birth , etc) , years ahead when you think back it doesn't seem so bad.

I can't do anything to the past. I have no control over the future. And the present has left me wishing there was no future.

Second wind of freedom

So the holidays started more than a month ago, yet I decided to confine myself to an internship in KL.

Note: Internship. Not a holiday.

First couple of days I actually felt a wave of depression wash over me. Like there was no purpose to life, if what we're put on earth here for is mindless hours of being virtually human drones. I get home and I eat, shower, hang around the house a bit and tidur. Repeat process the next day.

I got used to it after that, and the ray of hope for me was the end of the internship drawing near so I got out of that initial depressive emo state fast. But imagine, when I graduate, that ray of hope doesn't exist. You can't wait for the work term to finish, there's no such thing. You stop working when you're old and retired. SO THAT'S IT FOR YOUR YOUTH? MY YOUTH ENDS AS SOON AS I GRADUATE? fantastic la. Enough to send anyone into depression right.

And sure people mumble stuff about " oh you still have weekendsm, after work, etc". I may be greedy or whatever, but no it's not enough. So after work, the few hours before sleep, that you call enough? Nope. You're shit tired, you have enough energy to eat and shower and maybe chill with your family before you pow kong.

I guess it really boils down to what you do and whether you enjoy doing it to give you a different form of satisfaction and joy in life not derived from fun/family/friends.

Being in an office; NOT FOR ME.

Can I please stop time to realise my dreams, no matter how silly they may seem to people, or how unreachable they are, I'm getting older and it seems like my life is destined to head towards decades of being in an office.

Anyway, second wave of freedom starts in half an hour. My internship ends today and now I can enjoy the real taste of freedom, possibly for one of the last few times. Goodbye internship!

home at last

Ahh, day 2 in Malaysia and it is goooodd..

It's great to just chill at home and be with family. Nothing better :)

Before the big friendscapade begins!

Cary's birthday bash this Saturday, a big '60s theme party where you're either Uptown or Downtown. Cary naturally chose Uptown for me and I'm excited about it, see all my friends again.

It seems like I never left, but I'd have to face the pain of leaving again in 3 weeks.

Time flies by when you're having fun right.

Sigh, had a bad haircut yesterday, he gave me the fringe of a childish lala mui.

So much for that, now I just look like my cousin Caryn.

Possible wisdom tooth removal this week. How lah, it's surgery! NOooo!!!

exam bleack

Tension is high this exam season.

It starts tomorrow but I wish it was all over yesterday.

I keep looking forward to going back to KL straight after the holidays. But I sometimes forget what awaits me there is scary too (eg: removing wisdom tooth, pressure of losing my winter fat)

I can't get closure on certain issues, I'm trying to work on it. Maybe I'll have time to after the exams.

Stayed up last night thinking about the future, about all the what if's and maybes.This is all just too depressing. God help me I will have not smiled and laughed for real by the end of these 2 weeks.I just need this to be over.

Today holds meaning which I can't divulge. And yet the meaning isn't meant to be there anymore.

1095 days. Not all of it was terrible. Not in my eyes anyway.

exam bleack

Tension is high this exam season.

It starts tomorrow but I wish it was all over yesterday.

I keep looking forward to going back to KL straight after the holidays. But I sometimes forget what awaits me there is scary too (eg: removing wisdom tooth, pressure of losing my winter fat)

I can't get closure on certain issues, I'm trying to work on it. Maybe I'll have time to after the exams.

Stayed up last night thinking about the future, about all the what if's and maybes.

This is all just too depressing. God help me I will have not smiled and laughed for real by the end of these 2 weeks.

I just need this to be over.

Today holds meaning which I can't divulge. And yet the meaning isn't meant to be there anymore.

1095 days. Not all of it was terrible. Not in my eyes anyway.

Ahem, just a rant

So, this blogging thing really doesn't work for me. Considering I abandon it after a couple of posts. But ah what the heck.

Here I am in the same boat again, crazy rushing cramming for assignments and exams. This is not how this semester is supposed to turn out, but yes I am the procrastination queen.

In fact that's what I'm doing right now. Attempting to blog while reading/not reading Regression.

Anyway,

What I'm looking forward to is that flight back home in winter. Ahhh..... KL.

I've been ebay-ing a lot (stupid stupid) nowadays, eating alot of junk food, NOT exercising. So basically I'm just a disgusting lump right now, but when in KL...

Somehow everything is good. I'm all slim. Food taste great yet I lose the Australia weight. Friends are good. Family is better. And just experience everything I know and love.

I've got a new job bartending at my fave club in Canberra, so woohoo to that. I'll be a master mixtress in no time. But it's probably gonna cost me loads of beauty sleep so I'm not sure if it's worth it.

I'll just be a master mixtress then maybe quit ?

Ah well.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post. Hmm...

I think I just wanted to talk for like a few minutes, even if it is technically to myself or Internet Explorer.

I need to, get rid of all this junk food. In my room.

I finished off a 1kg bag of M&Ms in less than a week. Boo to that.

I ate like 2 bags of Doritos in 2 days. Boo to that as well.

I've been eating loads of fatty food, like duck rice and I'm the sort of person who never removes that thick layer of fat and skin.

Will attempt to be healthy soon. I don't wanna look too worse off when I get on that plane to KL.